Conundrums: Belief, Disbelief, and Rebooting My Faith

I must admit that my belief in the universe is again in a state of flux. I've been growing older (maybe a bit wiser) but I have yet to partake of abundance as the countless gurus talk about it.  One thing I am thankful for is that I'm a relative loner and isolationist. It made my transitions from religious dogmatic believer to theurgy smoother than if I was bound to any group.  I used to naively take spirituality as synonymous with religion.  I used to dismiss the notions of some friends and acquaintances about the Christian stories as heavily borrowed anecdotes from much earlier 'religions'.

Then again, I always had questions in my head. Why does the god of the Bible partial to a particular race of people?  Isn't this all His creation?  And why did he order genocide of some races, right down to the women and children?  Whey does the stories of prophets meeting with god arriving on what seems to be advanced crafts seem to be extraterrestrial?  Why is the universal notion of heaven is up?  And hell, down? Why do I remember traces of my earlier 'life'?  Why do I seem to have knowledge of the 'future' like my father's impending passing? Or my adopted dad's? Or that of my grandmother?

Why does this god gave dominion to mankind and man took it as a license to do with nature as he/she pleases? Why does a love/respect of nature evoke the perception of being a heathen/pagan?  Why do I try to do what's upright and just but I keep receiving dregs of blessings?

At this juncture in my life, I believe there is a creator as evidenced by all this creation but it's not what is contained in any written book. I also like to believe that maybe, just maybe, the answers are somewhere in the middle of what gurus and other people are trumpeting. Like when one side says the fault is all mine that I have residual money blocks which is why my relationship with money, luck, and prosperity is out of whack, and the other side says money does not matter. Well, it's pretty unsustainable to be charitable if you don't get financial support like a job or windfall. It's also pretty hard to swallow that the fault is all mine. Believe me, I tried so hard to clean up my money beliefs, to no avail as of yet.

I honestly don't know how long I can go on if this keeps looping. I nearly ended my existence last year and I'm just trying to keep afloat and see if the tides will change in my favor. I'm still waiting...